


Confusion

by ImmigrantPhenomenon



Series: A Night Lost To Love [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Confusion, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Marquis de Lafayette, Genderfluid Peggy, Hurt/Comfort, Sexual Confusion, Trans Alexander Hamilton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 16:40:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15441303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmigrantPhenomenon/pseuds/ImmigrantPhenomenon
Summary: Lafayette doesn't understand. He's the cis, straight man who doesn't understand any of the struggles of anyone else in that group.But what if he's not?





	Confusion

**Author's Note:**

> This is a vent fic. It's based of an actual encounter experienced by me at a camp once. Things like this affect people differently.
> 
> WARNING:  
> This does approach the subject of gender dysphoria, and being misgendered, and if that's a touchy subject for you, don't read.

Lafayette tried. He- her? They?... Lafayette didn't know right now. Right now, Lafayette just wanted to be Lafayette. Lafayette really did try. Lafayette tried to understand others, and not really understanding _English_ kind of hindered the entire situation, but Laf still tried.

Laf tried to ignore the pestering people, or even the friends who thought they knew everything because they too were experiencing something. They were all joking, that Laf knew, but something about their words lingered.

Like, yes, Alexander was trans. Laf learned this word not too long ago. It means he has a vagina. Girl parts, a boy mind. Lafayette found no problem with this- why should anyone?

John was gay. He was a boy who liked boys. Okay.

Hercules was asexual. He didn't like _anyone_. Understood.

Eliza was gay, the same as John. But with girls. Angelica was bi. Bisexual, she liked boys _and_ girls. But she was also cis. She had a vagina and she wanted it. Maria was transgender too, like Alex, but instead she used to be a boy and is now a girl. Aaron Burr is much like Angelica, Thomas Jefferson was gay, James Madison was trans-

And Peggy.

She stuck in his mind the most, because unlike his other friends… she didn't have a gender. She wasn't a she, or a he, she was _they_ . _Them_. Sometimes she'd ask to he called a girl, other times a boy, and so they did.

But what was Lafayette? Laf was the french one. The misfit. The straight cis man who was comfortable in his own flesh.

He was the one who didn't understand what everyone else was going through because he was cis. And all cis people are comfortable in their own flesh, aren't they. Aren't they…?

Maybe they were supposed to be? Or maybe Laf just _wasn't_. Or maybe Laf was and cis people just sometimes didn't like their bodies and Lafayette was just confused, like everyone thought Laf was because Laf was cis and Laf had never understand but Laf did?

Lafayette rolled over in bed, staring at the person on the right.

Alex was sleeping soundly in John's bed, arms curled possessively around him.

The confusion grew. Alexander had a vagina. John specifically did not like vaginas. The is what gay is… right? Or… maybe he just didn't want to date someone who thought like a girl?

Being gay was confusing for Laf… but that's just what Laf was; confused. Lafayette did like vaginas… and dicks… but Laf also didn't care? What did that make Laf?

And John?

And everyone else?

What would they call Laf if Laf said Laf liked girls and boys and trans and people like Peggy. What _is_ that?

And what would they call Laf if Laf said Laf didn't want the skin Laf had. Sometimes. Would it be like Peggy? Peggy wanted to be a girl that day, so Laf called her a she.

But the day before Peggy was they, them.

That is was Laf felt. Right?

Laf didn't know- not at all- and it made Laf want to punch a wall, or somebody else. Laf wanted to punch Alex because Alex thought Laf had it easy. Laf wanted to punch John because John was making this so hard to understand- but it wasn't John's fault and it wasn't Alex's fault and Laf wouldn't hurt them over something like that.

Sometimes Laf wanted to wear Angelica's clothes… Laf did once. It… it was nice. The dress was nice. But sometimes it's clothes like John's that have appeal.

Sometimes clothes mean much more than they should.

Lafayette turned to the other side. The cabin was much longer looking this way. More people. More genders and sexes and thoughts and _anger_ and sadness and fear.

Lafayette let out a sob.

“Laf?”

Lafayette stayed quiet.

Peggy stood from her bed, walking over. She wasn't one for hiding. She knows what she heard and this isn't some fucking movie where they stay in their beds and shout whispers at each other until one breaks down and the other comforts them and they kiss and fall in love.

When she sat down on Lafayette's feet, she spun around and crossed her legs, tucking her hands in her lap, but before Lafayette could even open Laf's mouth, she spoke.

“She, her.”

“Okay.” Lafayette said shakily.

“Lafayette, tell me what's wrong. Please?” Lafayette's head shook. _No_. “You've been separate lately. I can tell. You don't feel like you fit in, do you?”

Silence.

“Lafayette. I'm talking to you. Is he in there?” Laf flinched, and Peggy smiled. Lafayette's eyes closed.

“You know.” Laf said, voice shaky and scared. Peggy reached her hand out, like she was waiting for Lafayette. She was.

“Can I touch you?”

Lafayette's body fell forward before a nod could even be seen, feeling Peggy's arms secured tight around the body, hugging and rubbing her hand softly over Laf's back, soothing the soft cries.

“I've known for a while, Lafayette. It's not hard to tell you don't like it when people call you, _he_ , sometimes. Or that one time when someone wanted you on their team because you're strong- _masculine_ they said and you looked like you wanted to cry, but you didn't know if you could because _crying is not_ masculine, they say, but maybe you don't want to be masculine, do you?”

Lafayette sobbed a little louder. “I do not understand!” Laf said a little louder. “It _changes_ and I thought I was okay, but I am not, and Alex thinks I am okay, but I am not, but I do not know what that means.” Laf  became quieter. Didn't want to wake anyone.

“Listen to me, hear me. Understand?” A nod, buried in her chest. Peggy ran her fingers through Laf's loose curls, “What do you want me to call you, right now.”

“I do not want to be a boy.”

“She?”

“I do not want that either.”

“What about they? Do you want to be them today. Not a boy or a girl-” Lafayette sobbed. “Just _Lafayette_.” She finished.

“Please.” Lafayette whimpered. “They say I am cis, Peggy. I do not think I am.”

“Then you aren't.” She made it seem so _simple_ and Lafayette didn't understand, but they did enough to know they were okay with being called them.

“They.” Lad echoed, their hands grabbing Peggy's shirt.

“Is that what you want?” They nodded.

“We're gonna be okay, alright.” Peggy's voice rattled, but she held them tight. They hugged until they fell asleep in her arms, and she fell asleep in theirs.

Laf woke up first, stretching around the body that surrounded theirs. They thought they could feel many, many eyes on them, but they were only focused on the warm body wrapping around theirs. Peggy looked calm, her expression sweet, and the confusion grew.

_What did it mean if they liked people like Peggy?_

“Oh-hoho, Laf?” Hercules shot up from his bed, noticing Peggy. “What did she do to you last night man, you're a _wreck_.”

They flinched. They weren't a man today. They needed Peggy.

Lafayette felt only slightly bad for waking her up, but when she did, she smiled, and that made it better.

“You okay?” They nodded. They seemed to be doing that a lot, but it was easy, simple. “She, her.” She said, then motioned to them.

Lafayette noticed how she was the same thing as yesterday… but Laf was not. They wanted to be a she today. Lafayette wanted to wear a dress today, and Angelica's heels like the time they snuck into her closet.

“Peggy…” They ignored the eyes. Maybe they would listen. They didn't understand how it could change so drastically overnight. “I- it… she? Her?”

And Peggy nodded. Hercules was the only other one awake, and he watched, then turned to Lafayette.

“I'm so sorry, m- Laf. I shouldn't… we could've talked.” He tried. And for once, Lafayette didn't feel so confused.

And he didn't feel bad when Peggy shuffled through Angelica's suitcase and found a flowing sundress that Lafayette absolutely adored, smiling widely when she saw it.

And it didn't feel weird when Hercules turned away, to give her privacy to change, unlike how he normally did, and so did Peggy.

And when she was changed and Peggy led her outside, they ignored the campers who gave them wary looks.

“I know you have questions. You don't have to tell me, if you don't want, but I can help if you need it.”

And Lafayette smiled, for the first time in what felt like months. She would have to tell them eventually, but for now, she focused on Peggy. She just needed to understand a little more.

**Author's Note:**

> I ran into a rather conservative person at Subway and it just really hit a nerve.
> 
> I guess I'm just letting my anger flow through Lafayette


End file.
